25. How I Stopped Seeking Approval and Found Confidence Within Myself

In this episode of Sensual Secrets, I’m sharing something deeply personal—my journey from relying on external validation to embracing true self-empowerment. For years, I sought approval from others through the fleeting attention of strangers. But no matter how much I received, it never felt like enough.

I take you through the exact moment I realized this pattern, how it was affecting my self-worth, and the steps I took to break free. I'll guide you through a powerful affirmation exercise that helped me shift my mindset and share six practical tools you can use to cultivate a strong, unshakable sense of self-worth from within.

In this episode you’ll learn:

• How external validation creates a cycle of emptiness and self-doubt.
• The difference between seeking approval and being self-empowered.
• Simple practices to reconnect with your inner truth, like daily affirmations, self-celebration, and boundary setting.
• How I transformed moments of self-doubt into opportunities for growth.

If you’re ready to stop chasing approval and start living in alignment with your authentic self, this episode is for you. Let’s explore how to step into your power -  because you are worthy simply because you are.

Listen now and start your journey to self-empowerment!

If you find this episode valuable, please leave me a 5-star review and share it with your friends! It would help me out so much!


Link To Resources:
Online coaching: https://www.soli-souls.com/

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Transcript

Hello, beautiful souls and welcome to a new episode of Sensual Secrets.  Today I'd like to talk about a topic that I think so many of us can relate to at some point in our lives.  The difference between self-empowerment and seeking validation from the external world.  Often we seek for approval from other people around us to get the blessing from our family or to appraisal from our boss or the affirmations from our partners and friends.  Where does your sense of self-worth truly come from? And how do we shift away from relying on others to feel good about ourselves and instead cultivate strong unshakable sense of self from within.  Let's get started.  

Firstly, let's start by talking about external validation.  What is it? And why is it so easy to fall into this trap?  External validation is when we derive our sense of self-worth from outside sources, such as compliments recognition approval from others, social media likes, or even just an approving look from someone we respect.  

It's that feeling of needing others to tell us we're doing well, that we are looking good or that we're enough in order to actually believe it ourselves. And let's be honest, external validation can feel good in the moment when someone praises us or acknowledges our efforts, it's like a hit of dopamine.  But here's the problem, it doesn't last it's fleeting. It's just a quick rush of high and the more we rely on it, the more we need it. It's like trying to fill a bottomless cup or in Dutch we have a saying it's like mopping with the tap still open. With other words, a never ending effort with actual lasting results.  

A few years ago, I made such a big shift from needing external validation from mostly men, in order to boost my self image into feeling worthy from within for what I have to offer to the world.  Before this shift, I didn't feel like I was enough that I was smart enough that it was a good enough person had valuable enough knowledge to share, et cetera.  And it wasn't like I was miserable and completely insecure. I was still accomplishing lots of goals and living my life abroad, yet there was this underlying need, an unresolved feeling that caused me to not fully shine or share myself with the world. And due to the lack of this inner fulfillment. I filled myself up by deriving energy from making eye contact with men and feeling desired or approved off.  Because I imagine they were the easiest targets to get my external validation from.   For example, when going out, I was unconsciously looking around for that confirmation. Everywhere I would find it, it would boost my confidence and self image. 

 And in the moments that the external validation wasn't at hand. It could go paired with feeling bad about myself, not feeling good enough, not being kind towards myself or even feeling kind of empty inside.  And looking back at it now.  Wow. I feel so much love and compassion for that younger version of me who kind of knew, but couldn't truly see how much she actually had to offer.  And I remember that it would feel like being confident on the outside. And that's why I say that it's like this superficial layer. Because it was really the outer layer, like a mask or like the outer layer of feeling confident and feeling good about myself. But then it would be an empty shell, 'cause on the inside that wasn't filled up. There was no substance to this sense of self-worth.   So with these compliments and external approval, I was creating this facade from the outside and I was sticking that onto me. And that became my ego identity, my more superficial sense of self-worth. 


While it was more like this art project that kids do when they glue these pieces of newspaper on a balloon, They are making this beautiful shell.  They're making this beautiful artwork on the outside, but on the inside, there's nothing there. 

So what helped me to shift from this emptiness and needing to fill myself up from the outside, into feeling empowered.  Firstly, I think the most important step was the complete eye opening experience of becoming aware of all of the ways that I was looking for external validation.  All of the ways that I was filling myself up through the approval of others. And let me tell you.  

At times it's been quite confronting while I was having these epiphanies. Because now I could go back and do certain scenarios and situations seeing when I would have shown this behavior back in the day, and I would feel ashamed of not being aware of my own behavior, not being conscious of it while other people must have been conscious about it. And the shame would come in, in thinking of others noticing this, others noticing my behavior and thinking to themselves, what is this girl doing 

Yet here I am better, late than never.  You know, We're all on our own individual journey and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, right? 

So, what I did was trying to catch myself  in a moment when I'd be looking for that external validation, to shift the pattern right then and there. To immediately change my behavior and integrate a different habit. 

So, for example, when I was looking for eye contact to get this approval,  I the moment that I realized it, I would, I would stop myself right then and there.  And just go inward and confirming to myself that I didn't need that external validation, that I was worth so much more. And confirming my worth to myself.  And applying some of the tools that I will share with you today.  

And let me tell you, there was definitely a challenging period of being in no man's land of not filling myself up with that external validation anymore, but neither having myself word built up yet. So there has been a period where my self confidence dropped and I was kind of lost.  

But at the same time of breaking my addiction to the external validation, I was focused on filling myself up from within. And I would do this in different ways, using different tools , such as focusing on my solar plexus during all kinds of meditations. Since the solar plexus is an energy center in our body. It's a chakra that is associated with our core sense of identity.  

Next to that. I would also find more purpose and fulfillment out of helping other people feel better and find more inner peace and abundance in their lives, through the work that I'm doing. through coaching them through helping them shine.  

So it was deriving more self-worth for something that was coming from within me.  And one of the tools that I also used a lot was repeating daily affirmations in front of the mirror or throughout the day. 

So let's try this out together right here right now. And if you can go and find a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. 

And if that's not an option, just stay put and take a moment to connect with yourself.  So get yourself comfortable and take a deep breath into your belly.  

I release with a big sigh.  

Take a deep breath in.  

Fill yourself up with love.  

And let go.  

Take a deep breath into your belly.  

Fill yourself up with power.  

And let go.  And now repeat after me out loud. And fully feeling what you are saying and letting it soak in.   

I am full.  

I am so abundant.  

I am overflowing.  

I am worthy.  

I am enough.  

I am connected to an infinite source of energy.  

I am worthy of receiving all that I desire.  

I have the power to accomplish all of my dreams.  

I am the creator of my own life.  

I am powerful beyond measure.  

I have to capacity to overcome any challenge that I might face.  

I am the embodiment of confidence.  

I am proud of who I am today.  

I have so much to give to this world.  

I am beautiful, inside and out. 

I accept my flaws and imperfections.  

I love myself.  

Take a deep breath in.  

Breathe in love and power.  

And let go.   

And the more you repeat this, the more you will feel it. And when you truly feel and embody these sayings, that is when the magic happens. 

So we've discussed external validation now. But what is the alternative? Let's talk some more about self-empowerment.  

Self-empowerment is about knowing your worth independent of what anyone else thinks, says or does.  It's recognizing that your value isn't something that's up for debate or dependent on external circumstances, it's already within you. It's a constant unshakable truth.  And when you're self-empowered you don't need others to validate your choices or praise your accomplishments to feel good about yourself.  Sure, external recognition can still feel nice, but it's not the foundation of your self worth. You are standing on solid ground that you have built.  So if we would break down some of the differences in mindset,  Let's compare how two mindsets show up in everyday life between the needing external validation or to self-empowered version of you.  

So external validation.  I feel good because someone told me that I did a good job.  Self-empowered version. I feel good because I know I put in my best effort.  External validation. 

If this person likes me, I will feel better about myself.  Self-empowerment. I am worthy regardless of how others feel about me.

External validation. I'll post this picture and hope it gets a lot of likes.  Self-empowered.  I'll share this because it feels authentic to me, regardless of the response.  

So in these examples, do you feel the difference? External validation is rooted in lack it's like saying I don't have enough within me, so I need someone else to fill this gap. And that's also this emptiness that I was referring to in my own experience.  And therefore, you can never truly feel abundant while you're still needing external validation.  

Self-empowerment on the other hand comes from a place of wholeness. It's saying. I am enough as I am and everything else is just extra. It's a bonus. If someone has an opinion about me in the good or in a bad sense, it doesn't change my perception of myself.  For example, if someone tells me that have such a good energy, that I'm such a beautiful person, or that I'm such a good coach. I really, truly appreciate them saying that, but at the same time, It just confirms to me what I already know. I really enjoy feeling connected to that person in a place of love and being on the same wavelength yet, instead of it lifting me up 10 times higher I stay more centered where I'm at, because it just resonates with my inner truth.  

Feeling self-confident and valuing my own worth doesn't mean that I'm never shaken anymore by someone not valuing me. Yet, whenever that happens, it just shows me that I still have more work to do, and I can see it as an opportunity for growth. 

So instead of losing myself in a negative storyline, Where I would waste so much time and energy, and I would just feel worse and worse about myself. I choose to use my environment and my emotional response to it as a compass for my own growth journey.  

So, if you truly want to live in abundance, you'll have to fill yourself up from the inside out. And when you feel full, you feel like you're enough and you feel abundant, content grateful, et cetera. And you will attract more of the things that fill you up.  

So let's talk some more about how to shift from external validation into self-empowerment.  Moving away from seeking external validation. Isn't always easy. And especially if it's been a habit for years and your whole sense of self and your ego is completely built on what others think about you.  But with awareness and intention, it's absolutely possible and I am the living proof of it. So let's line out a clear step-by-step approach to get started on this mission.  

So the first step as we have already discussed is to cultivate self-awareness.  

It's so important to notice when you are seeking external validation and start asking yourself. Am I doing this because it's meaningful to me or because I want someone else to notice and approve?  Or how would I feel about this if nobody ever found out or acknowledged it?  For example, when sharing things on social media, do you need to show everybody how amazing your life is and how cool the experiences are that you are living? 

Or is it just enough for you to know that you have an amazing life? To know that you are enjoying your life, that you're grateful for your life, that you are loving your family. You don't need to prove that you love your partner on social media, you need to have that connection and intimacy between the two of you. That's the most important thing.  

So just like being kind to a stranger or simply cleaning up the house without having to take credit for it. You're simply doing these things because it's in alignment with how you want to live. And when you just bring awareness to these little everyday moments,  you can generate already such a powerful shift.  

Then, secondly, celebrate your own wins. And this is such a fun way of living your life.  This is something that I love doing for myself and with my clients, because. You don't even need a reason to celebrate, but trust me,  whenever you will look for it, you will find a reason to be proud of yourself and to have a little party.  So make it a practice to acknowledge your accomplishments. No matter how big or small without waiting for someone else to do it.  So often I take a moments with my clients to truly let it soak in how much they have grown and how different their behaviors and responses to certain triggering situations are. We literally share a proud and fun moment of patting ourselves on the back while telling ourselves  what a good job we have done. Make it a nice little celebration and think of the fact of like, yeah, that's right. I see how much I've changed now. 

Whoa, thank you for just giving me this moment and making me realize how far I've come.  

So, what do you can do with your accomplishments is write them down. Say them out loud, or even just take a moment to feel proud of yourself in silence. 

Realize all the progress that you've made and generate the feeling of proudness of what you are doing and who you are. 

And in that moment you can also remember that you are exactly where you're supposed to be and you have that acceptance for your journey. You're not supposed to be 10 steps ahead. 

Just be grateful for where you're at and focus on taking the next step forward.  

Number tree set boundaries. Part of self-empowerment is learning to say no when something doesn't align with your values or energy. It's about prioritizing your wellbeing over the need to please others.  And as you become better at setting your boundaries, you'll notice that you can do this with so much softness and love. 

Because what I see with my clients is that oftentimes they initially are so unsettled with saying no and having a more intense energy attached to it as if they have to forcefully guard our protect their boundaries, which can really lead to uncomfortable situations, it can generate a negative energy because it seems like you are in a fight.  But when you stand in your power and you have the clarity on what your boundaries are. You'll notice that there's absolutely no force needed. To have your boundaries respected by others or by yourself. 

 Number four, spend time with yourself.  When you're constantly surrounded by noise and opinions, it's so easy to lose touch with your own voice and your own inner truth. So spend time alone, journal meditate, or simply sit with your thoughts. The more you connect with yourself. The less you'll need external input to feel complete. You firstly need to discover and know your truth in order to live in alignment with that and let go of the truth of others.  

Number five practice affirmations.  Try repeating these phrases  we've discussed earlier in this episode. Go back to that section and repeat this every morning when you wake up or listen to it while you're driving to work and fill yourself up with power for the day.  

And then to finish off number six, become more critical about whose advice or opinion you'll give a lot of importance to.  When you want to achieve anything in life, take inspiration from people who have achieved these things themselves.  Check if the opinions of others are valid. Are they speaking from a place of experience and wisdom?  Or is it actually clear that they don't really know what they're talking about? And it might just come from a place of fear.  Are they giving you empty or worthless advice that will lead you to the same place that they're at in their lives.   A very good point to consider. 

So at the end of the day, self-empowerment, isn't just about feeling good. It's about freedom.  When you're not dependent on external validation, you're free to live authentically to take risks and to show up as your true self. You're not constantly chasing approval or fearing judgment instead you're grounded in your own truth. And here's the beautiful thing. When you empower yourself and you live authentically. The world starts to reflect that back to you. You attract people opportunities and experiences that align with your authentic self. And believe me, life just gets more and more magical when you walk the path of authenticity.  

So.  Let's conclude by checking in.  Where does your worth come from?  If you've been looking outward. That's okay. This is a journey and every step is a part of your growth, but I really encourage you to start tuning inward little by little. And watch how your life begins to transform. And remember you are worthy simply because you are, no one can give you that and no one can take it away. It's a given.  Thank you so much for tuning in today. And if this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts and please share it with the people who are dear to you.  Until next time, keep shining your light darling. And remember that your worth is always within you. And I'll leave it at that.  Have a beautiful day.