24. Finding Your Perfect Match in Dating - Attraction vs. Alignment

In this episode of Sensual Secrets, we delve into the crucial distinction between attraction and alignment in dating. We explore how to recognize if someone is the right partner for you and differentiate between genuine sustainable connections and short-lived attraction. Learn how to identify your core values and desires, and why it's essential to ensure alignment for a long-term, fulfilling relationship. Gain practical tips on assessing compatibility early on, maintaining self-awareness, and fostering authentic connections.

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Transcript

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hello, beautiful souls and welcome to a new episode of sensual secrets. Today, I want to talk about dating and the difference between attraction and alignment. Some questions that we will answer throughout this episode is how do you know if you're meeting the right people? If this person is the right partner for you? And how can you differentiate or how do you know if you are connecting out of trauma patterns or out of a connection from your higher self?  We'll dive deeper into the trauma bonding in another episode, but the main concept of trauma bonding is that we connect with or are attracted to romantic partners  based on traumas that we've been through throughout our life. 

However, big or small, these might be that we have experienced in relationships with others throughout our life. And it can be with romantic partners or with family members, like for example, your parents while growing up.  

And so how can you prevent from stepping into something that isn't healthy for you or might even be toxic? And we've already discussed the concept of toxic relationships in episode 22, understanding toxic relationships. So definitely go check that one out to dive deeper into the concepts of what it is and how you can recognize it and what to do when you are in one.  

Because the main topic that I want to touch upon today regarding dating and finding the right person for you.   Is the distinction between attraction and alignment when looking for a long-term relationship.  

So, first of all, attraction is the chemistry you feel, the sensual and sexual fire, you feel lighting up in your body. That you experience when you feel your whole body tingeling, when seeing someone, this is something instantaneous, it's a euphoric desire you feel. That is because of the production in your body of all of these happy hormones, like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and norepinephrin.   



Your body gets intoxicated with all of these happy hormones and you get high of all these chemicals that your body produces. And that means that you might misinterpret this feeling of being high during a shared experience, for a good match. Because. Maybe the most important takeaway from this episode is that.  It doesn't mean that when you are attracted to someone, that they are there for a good match for you as a long-term partner.  I know it's pretty basic, but. Sometimes we forget when we're really attracted to someone.  And we kind of get lost in this emotion, in this feeling of the high.  

Because I'm sure we've all been true many moments in our lives when we felt so attracted to someone. Yet  they weren't quite the person you were dreaming off in terms of someone to spend your life with you, like your best friend, your teammate, your love.  

And so if you want to build a future with someone. You also need to be in alignment with them. To share the same values, have similar belief systems and the same future vision of life, of what you want to do in your life and how you want to live your life.  

 
It might be nice for example, to have a matching personality that compliments one another. And a matching balance in how you both want to contribute to a relationship. For example in the aspect of the polarity in your relationship.  For example, if I want to be in my feminine, in a relationship. Then.  It would be very good for me to be with a man who wants to be in his masculine.  And you can figure out how that balance works best for the both of you, how you can work together as a team to fulfill each other's needs and create a unity together that is bigger than both of you individually. And I always envision this kind of like the shape of a pyramid.  When you are both on either corner of the foundation of this strong structure going into a peak where you come together. 

So being in alignment doesn't mean that you agree on everything or have all of the same interests and hobbies,  

but being on the same page about how you see your relationship. Gives you emotional safety and a good foundation to be able to build a future together.  And so I know that this concept is pretty straightforward because I'm sure you've experienced that in order to be with someone. You need to be somewhat aligned in how you live your life in order to share your life.  

For example for me, if you would, things that are important in order to match with someone. Regarding lifestyle are that they live healthy, that they're active. That they are flexible with their time that they also love traveling and that they're flexible with where they want to live or in places that I want to live to.  

 There's so many more aspects that I know I want in a partner or that I'm looking for. 

And the more clarity I get on this, the easier it is to discern when I meet someone.   

If this is right for me, or if it's not a match at all.  With what I want in my life. And the more clarity I have, the easier it is to recognize this early on and say goodbye and wish them all the best in life if it's not a match. Without there being emotional attachment or involvement.  Or, you know,  Without it being too tough to say goodbye.  

So the first thing to do in figuring out if someone is right for you is to find clarity on what it is that you want in your life and for you to live in alignment with that.  Because when you have this clarity, It is way easier to say no to things that aren't in alignment with you and to come closer and closer to being the person you really want to be and living the life that you really want to live. And the life that feels good to you. in this way you slowly pay for your unique path. And walking on that path. You will attract more and more things that are right for you because there's space for them to enter when you say no to all the rest.  

So what you can do practically is to take some time and write out a list of all the things you like in a partner. Look at different areas of your life work, social, financial, time, health, relationships with family, certain communication, emotional maturity, spirituality. Just make a list.   Of a description of your dream partner in all different areas of your life.  And then.  Prioritize a few things that are really must haves for you that are really non-negotiables. 

And then the other things they might be up for flexibility.  But most importantly, is that when you have this list to then mirror it back onto yourself, And see where you are still falling short.  Which areas within yourself, do you still need to work on in order to match with a person who embodies this list?   Take responsibility and do the inner work that's needed in order for you to be able to be a good partner to your dream mate. 

 So know what your values are, what you want in life and in a relationship and be the person living in alignment with that. 

So to come back to attraction versus alignment. When you feel attraction with people, but you're actually looking for a sustainable relationship. First figure out if there's also alignment before you get involved any further. And that brings me to discussing holding back from having sex or getting physically intimate with someone that you're attracted to.  Because connecting with someone physically, once you do this it's difficult to evaluate clearly, if you're a good match, because there's so much more emotional attachment. You become more connected to this person. 

You've shared intimate moments and there's been an intimate energy exchange and the chemicals in your body produce a feeling of love for this person, even just by the oxytocin it's generated in your body through All of the physical contact. So you experienced a profound feeling of bliss when you orgasm, for example, and then you connect this feeling to this specific person. As if this person unlocks a feeling of love inside of you. Which you want to repeat or you become addicted to. 

And then you might think that this person is your portal to feeling love. Without realizing that, you can also choose to live in love or to feel  love without connecting that feeling to another person. 

So, if you're looking for a sustainable relationship, it's wise to only explore more deeply the attractions and with you.  

So if you're looking for a sustainable relationship, It's wise to only explore more deeply the attractions in which you've also already figured out that there's actually alignment as well. that there is sustainability to go deeper to invest your energy in this connection. You know that it's worth it, that there is some possibility there that there's some future there.  

Otherwise when you only base your relationship on attraction. And you don't actually know if you're in alignment. You can create this fantasy reality and you create a story about this person or they become maybe a dream version of all of the potential that you see in them. But it doesn't always match with the reality or most specifically the current reality.  

And I think that that is a very important point to make. That you guard yourself from getting lost in a fairytale story that is based upon hope or potential for the future of who this new person could be.  Always come back to the present moment and assess what is actually true and how they are showing up right here and right now, 

So slow down the process of getting lost in the attraction. Recenter yourself, reassess your values. And find clarity on what you truly want in life.   

And then check if this is an alignment with what the other person wants without a fear of losing them if your values don't match. They're simply not a good match for you, and you will find someone who matches better with you, and that will make your life a lot easier. Instead of trying to make something work that just isn't meant for you.  

And in this way, you also give them the opportunity to find someone better for them. So.  You can let go.  Of all the people pleasing behavior in staying with someone when you're actually not that into them without feeling guilty that you are doing them any wrong.  

And of course in any situation you need to have clear communication and respectful communication. 

If you want a beautiful long sustainable relationship and might be a good ID to end experiences of intense lust with people that you're not in alignment with, that you don't see a long-term future with. And if this enjoyment in sexual pleasure or sexual experiences is actually exactly what you're looking for right now, then that's amazing as well. 

Enjoy it, just simply be aware of what it is that you want. Do you want just to have fun and pleasure, or do you want to have a long-term relationship? And make your choices accordingly.  

So, how do you know if you're acting out of attraction or if you're actually in alignment with someone that you just met or someone that you have started dating?  Which questions do you ask someone that you're interested in to figure out if you're actually in alignment?  For example.  In conversation with them. , ask what are your values? What is your vision for your future?  Do you want to have a family? What are important characteristics you look for and people that you surround yourself with, like friends or a partner.  What does your dream life look like? How do you like to spend your time?  What is your relationship with family members?  Like for example,  a really good question to ask when you're dating men is what is your relationship with your mother and the other way around? 

What is the relationship with your father?  Because this is just one of the ways for you to figure out what their main relationship with the feminine and the masculine in their life has been like. 

And we'll probably go a bit deeper into this. figuring out if there's certain recurring patterns there in relationship to the feminine or the masculine. , when we discuss trauma bonding in a different episode.   

 I'm sure that you'll have beautiful inspiration, And just take these questions as an example, but there's so many more things. Don't be scared to go deep into a conversation to figure out if this person might be right for you early on.  Don't hold back because otherwise you might waste time and energy and you might get too involved. Without actually being a good match for each other. 

And then how can you recognize if you are lost in attraction?  Ask yourself questions like this.  Do you feel present lately or do you feel lost in daydreaming about that fairytale story?  Did you stop spending time with your friends or your family?  Are you still practicing your hobbies, your self care, your health routine. Basically. Are you still living your individual life and as this new connection, an addition or a bonus to it, or are you losing yourself in this connection and maybe neglecting certain aspects of your life that matter to you and keep you balanced and healthy?  

The last topic that I want to touch upon in this episode is that. 

When you meet someone new  ask yourself, are you showing who you really are and what you really want? In connecting deeper with them. Are you showing your true self? And can you connect even more with your authentic self and embody that? Also in this romantic connection.  Are you able to be vulnerable and show your true self?  

Because the more you are true, the more you are your authentic self when meeting with them. And you know what you want. The easier you will attract someone who is a match for you. The real you.  Because there's no mask there's no difference between what you show externally and who you are internally. And in order to be vulnerable with someone, you'll have to feel safe and confident within yourself.  And that might be a topic for another episode as well.   And they'll leave it at that. I have a beautiful day.