22. Understanding Toxic Relationships - Signs, Solutions, and Self-Empowerment

Welcome to another episode of Sensual Secrets. Today, we're diving deep into a topic that hits close to home for many of us: toxic relationships. If you've ever felt trapped in a toxic relationship, or if you're simply curious about how to cultivate healthier connections, join me on this transformative exploration. 

Together, we'll learn to recognize, recover, and reclaim our sense of self in the face of toxicity. Recognize the red flags that often go unnoticed and learn how to break free from toxic cycles and reclaim your sense of self-worth. I'll share strategies for setting clear boundaries, seeking support, and ultimately, rediscovering our personal power. 

If you find this episode valuable, please leave me a 5-star review and share it with your friends! It would help me out so much!


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Transcript

Hello, beautiful souls and welcome to a new episodes of sensual secrets.  Today I want to talk about the concept of toxic relationships. Because we hear this term so much, but what exactly does it mean? What is a toxic relationship? How can you recognize it? How can you prevent from being in one. By being aware of these red flags. And also, if you recognize that you are in a toxic relationship, How can you get out of one or how can you change this? 

So, first of all, a toxic relationship is a relationship that consistently undermines your sense of wellbeing, your individual happiness, and even at times your safety. And this can be your physical safety or your emotional safety. And that can be through disagreements are conflicts that are normal and any relationship but if this is a continuous pattern and there's really emotional harm or there is a lot of disrespect and manipulation. It could be that your emotional and mental health are really suffering. 

So, how do you recognize a toxic relationship? 

 Often there's some of these characteristics, like a lack of support. You feel like you're not being supported by your partner? As if you are carrying all the weight or as if you are always emotionally supporting someone or always financially supporting someone. And instead of feeling uplifted and encouraged and empowered in your relationship.  

The interactions that you have, and your relationship might make you feel belittled really disempowered or inadequate. They might make you feel super small as if you are just a fraction of yourself.  And I don't know about you, but I've definitely been in some toxic relationships or relationships with some toxic dynamics.  



Another sign could be that there's just constant tension in this relationship. 

Constant arguments. Constant feeling of dissatisfaction and frustration, it seems like you're always fighting and the fights seem to get out of hand more and more.  It's like when you combine you and your partner, It's as if you're putting oil on the fire. And when you have an argument, things just get heated up more and more and more.  



And so to communication is often really bad and it can turn into blame into accusations or even complete silence, like giving someone a silent treatment whenever there's a conversation to be had, or there's a discussion maybe. One or the two partners, stops interacting, maybe for a few hours, maybe for a few days. Without properly communicating that they need some time to process and they'd give their partner to silent treatments.  And so when you do that, you leave issues unresolved and the other partner will feel very confused or disrespected 

are rejected are so many things that you can imagine you must go through when being treated with silence being ignored by your partner, but a person that you love. And I know that for myself, I also used to do this to partners and right now, I can't believe that ever did it, but I've come a long way because I didn't know how to communicate. 

And I would block in a conflict situation. Whenever there was a discussion I wouldn't know how to communicate what is going on inside of me. I couldn't even put it into words. And I was so overwhelmed by it all that I would just go into silence and I would even dissociate and just kind of leave my body, leave the situation and retreat in myself or in  some sort of space where I wasn't really present. 

And so for my partner this must've been so difficult. While, for me, I didn't do this with bad intentions.  But still  because I was so confused or just blocked in my communication myself,  I didn't have the tools to communicate how I was feeling or what was going on inside of me. And so I just blocked, but it must have been so tough on my partners. 

Another sign of a toxic relationship is when there is a lot of control or dominance by one partner over the other. So that, for example,  one partner really dictates who the other person can see who they can hang out with what they should do, what they should eat, how they should dress, how they should think and feel. 

And slowly little by little, the other person is losing their own individual identity. 

Because their own opinions are values or morals or ways of being aren't being appreciated and slowly, they let go of their own wishes, needs, desires little by little and they become molded into this person  that the other partner thinks they should be. 

And what happens often is that then the partner who has been molding this person. Isn't even attracted to this person anymore because they're like, who are you? Why aren't you stronger? Why aren't you being your own person?  And then you go into a negative spiral in which you try to adapt even more to the wishes of your partner, but they fall more and more out of love with you because they don't recognize the person that they once fell in love with.

 Something else that could happen often in a toxic dynamic is that your emotional needs are consistently being ignored or disrespected or disregarded. And there's a lot of manipulation. So the needs of one person matter more than the needs of the other partner.  

And this manipulation could come through gaslighting, or maybe there's a lot of blame and one person often feels more guilty because they are being the bad partner and the relationship they're being blamed for everything that's going wrong. And the other one is accusing them of everything.

 And after hearing all of this, all of these characteristics of a toxic relationship, maybe by now, you already have a few alarm bells going off inside of your head. And this could be in your romantic relationship. It could be in the relationships of your friends that you see around you and you see how your friends are being treated by their partners. Or maybe you recognize this in your friendships or in your relationship with certain family members, because of course not only your romantic relationships could be toxic. this counts for all of your relationships in your life in your friendships with your coworkers, with your family members.  

 So let's dive a bit deeper into how you can recognize if you are in a toxic relationship. 

Ask yourself a few questions. Are you feeling unsafe or do you feel on edge? Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells? Do you feel safe and secure with your partner? Do you feel like you could talk to them at any time about any subject without having a fear of them running away or of them bursting out into anger?  

And the safety is both physically and emotionally. 

Are you scared of how your partner will react? Are you anxious? 



Do you think they might get angry? Or do you think that if you bring up a topic that is near to your heart or something that has been bothering you emotionally.  Do you fear that if you bring this up, that it will have negative consequences for your relationship and that your partner won't be able to hold  space for this.  And as I said before, do you feel like you are constantly taking responsibility and taking blame from the other partner? And maybe saying that you understand their point of view and that you will be better and that you will grow into a more beautiful partner and do a more beautiful person. 

Which are all beautiful intentions, but it can also lead to a real distorted sense of self.

And it could be that you are just taking responsibility for things that you shouldn't be taking responsibility for, and in certain ways your partner might have to look into the mirror and see how they are actually contributing to certain things happening in their life, or maybe it's the perspective that they have that are creating their own emotions about things. And it's not because they are triggered, for example, that it's your fault. 

They can also mirror it back to themselves and say, okay, why am I acting in this way? And what inside of me is unhealed to make me feel triggered because actually my partner didn't say something that is hurtful.  

Why do I feel insecure about this instead of just putting the blame onto my partner?  

Because if you're constantly being submissive, It might prevent you from actually standing up for your own needs, your own desires. And so when you have a lot of unmet needs in a relationship, that in turn might cause frustration or resentment of the relationship  due to a lack of emotional support or  intimacy or mutual respect. 

And it can really create a gap between the two of you more and more distance can create, because there is a lack of emotional support. You don't feel like you can go to your partner with anything that's on your heart. 



And so there's a lack of trust and there's less and less intimacy in your relationship. Maybe you don't even want to be physical with each other anymore.

And also your sex life is turning sour.  -And I think we can all imagine how a that doesn't contribute to having a beautiful relationship. 

 An other question to ask yourself and to think about or to feel into is, do you often feel disrespected?  

  This can be in words and actions, or maybe your boundaries aren't being respected. Your feelings aren't being respected. 

 

I was talking with a friend the other day who was dating someone. And she had clearly told this guy that she needed space for herself, and yet he would still show up in the morning with a love song and flowers, which is such a beautiful and sweet gesture. 

But. This is a sign that he is not listening or respecting what she is saying. And yet again, she would be nice to him because it was so sweet that he showed up. And then you go into the same pattern.  She wasn't respecting or honoring her own boundaries and she would feel bad about that and she would feel confused and then she would have to have another conversation with him. 

And set her boundaries again.  Over and over and over. That's a toxic pattern. 

But in another way to disrespect could also be public. I've heard so many stories of relationships in which people are bringing each other down in public in front of friends. They're making mean jokes. They're making belittling jokes about each other.  maybe when they're in an argument or they're pissed off at each other, but it's just something that is so hurtful or so disrespectful to your partner and in any healthy relationship, you shouldn't do that. 

No matter in what situation you're at, or even if you're frustrated with your partner at the time. 

 And then something that I've been through to myself as well  is when you feel isolated from your friends and family in a toxic relationship or in a relationship, you feel like you're not in your natural habitat anymore, you feel like you are cut off from all of your social interactions and you're just in a bubble with the two of you. 



But be aware, isolation is a really powerful tool in toxic relationships because you kind of lose your grounding. 

You lose your. Feedback from your surrounding your trusted surrounding that if maybe you would talk normally with your friends about what's going on inside of your relationship. And now you've cut all contact. They can give you the feedback and say, Hey, babe, what's going on is actually crazy. 

Or you deserve better, or this is not okay.  So you can't grasp the reality of things and you might normalize certain behaviors or certain patterns  in your own head and you just think  that, this is the way it is, or this is the way this person thinks. While, if you would maybe tell it to 10 friends and eight out of 10, tell you this is absolutely crazy. You would probably shift your perception. 

And bring this issue up to your partner.  And your friends or your family would also empower you to make a change in this situation.  

But when you stay in this toxic bubble,  You also become smaller in your self esteem, in your power and you don't feel like you can even fight this authority in a way. 

So, yeah, when you're isolated, you're less likely to seek help to end the relationship as well.  And so you kind of feel stuck in his cage with this person , who, you know, doesn't make you feel good  yet you don't have the power or the grasp of reality to cut this off.  And break up. 

And then when you stay in that cocoon and that toxic cocoon.  You probably are just a fraction of yourself and you have such diminished self-esteem. It might be that your feeling worthless. You doubt your abilities or you believe that you don't deserve a better treatment. And you start to see yourself very negatively, or you belittle yourself. Because also, this is what you're used to. This is what your partner. Is telling you.  

All of these critical, negative or dismissive comments 

that you're listening to, they start to become your reality or your truth as well. And how you start to think and feel about yourself.  

And I've definitely been in that place where I felt like I hit rock bottom. And I felt like I was worthless  and I was crying my eyes out 

and I remember a clear moment when I was feeling so small, I was feeling so isolated. I was feeling as if I couldn't do anything right.  Until one  moment. I said stop it's. No more. This is impossible. .  I'm not recognizing myself anymore. And in that moment. By seeing stop.  It's like I flicked on a switch of power.  And I just decided that it had to end. And from that moment onwards, I started going in an upward spiral. Again, reaching out to friends, talking with other people, changing my environment. 

And slowly but surely getting outside of this cocoon to then completely cut it off. 

So obviously some things might resonate with you more, or you might've been through certain situations or you might recognize certain patterns now in your current relationship. That doesn't mean that it is a toxic relationship, but definitely. Take it into account and it might be something that you want to bring up to your partner or something that you want to work on. . 

And there are a lot of different toxic relationships. 

You have abusive relationships like emotionally abusive or physically abusive.



You have codependent relationships. 

And which one partner excessively relies on the other for approval, for a sense of identity 

and it can lead you to really neglect your own individual needs and desires or boundaries, or self-worth. 

And then there's a toxic pattern.  A lot of us have encountered as well, probably. And that is when there's infidelity in the relationship.  One partner maybe cheats on you or cheats on you repeatedly, and there's a cycle of betrayal and hurt. And then there's often reconciliation, without actually addressing what's going on underneath the hood.  

And you forgive and you forget. And then you end up going into the same pattern and there's this really painful cycle of cheating.  All the hurts, the reconciliation, the beautiful period, when everything is good again, but then before you know it, another hurtful cycle starts. 

You could also have a toxic relationship because one partner struggles with addiction. This can be substances. It can be gambling. It can be porn. 

But there is a toxic environment filled with neglect abuse or enabling behaviors. And if this partner doesn't do anything about addiction, this often becomes the central focus of the relationship.  And these addictions can be subtle because for example, Drinking is so socially accepted, but where do you draw the line? If one partner always comes home drunk. And for example, drinks and drives. And the pattern just keeps repeating over and over.  When one partner is upset and the auto partner just doesn't care or maybe says that, they're sorry, but then does the same thing over and over again for years on end.  Because going out with your friends and drinking a few beers. A few nights a week is socially acceptance and it is within the norm of our society.

That doesn't mean that it's not an alcohol addiction. 

 

And if you recognize yourself in this, maybe it's good to ask yourself this question.  Can you really go without for a few weeks, for a few months, for a few years. Why would you need to drink when going out and having fun with your friends? 

Then another option is that there's a lot of competition or jealousy in your relationship.  You don't feel like your teammates, but you feel more like you are enemies or you have to outsmart each other or you have to outdo each other. You're competing in ways of how you're making money. 

You're competing in ways of being the fittest, the best,  the most liked person in your social circles. And you're not happy for each other's successes. 

Because you're constantly comparing your achievements, your appearances. 

And this will lead to a lot of resentment and conflict.  

 And then the last one that I'll touch upon is when you are an emotionally manipulative relationship.  So there's a lot of control, a lot of manipulation to control or influence one person's behavior. And this can come through guilt tripping, gaslighting, or playing the victim to justify your own behavior or decisions. And there's a dynamic in the relationship where one partner has always compromising their needs and desires because they're being manipulated to do so. 

And something that we should all be very aware of is to not blame our partners do not play the victim and to take responsibility for our own actions, our own behaviors and our own emotions. 

And then to finish off, how do you end a toxic relationship? 

Because all of these things that we've mentioned before, they might make it extra challenging because there's a lot of dependency on each other, or you might be isolated or you might not even know what is real or what's not anymore. 

You might fear to be lonely because all of your social circles have dropped off. 

You might be financially dependent on your partner or probably the worst one is when you hope that your partner will change.  

And you keep holding on to this. Potential or the possibility the future  in which it will all be better. 

So I think the first step. Is to be aware, to become conscious.  For the need of change. 

To acknowledge that the relationship is toxic and acknowledge that there's some patterns in this relationship that are harmful for yourself or for your partner and that you deserve better. 

That's not always easy, to be honest with ourselves. Especially, because you probably just love your partner so much. No matter what the dynamic in a relationship is like, It doesn't mean that there's no love in the relationship. 

 And what can help you to gain awareness about this or just to help you find a way out is  to seek support from your friends, your family, professionals, even if you haven't spoken with any of your friends, for months, for years.  Or would your family, maybe you have become more distant. Reach out, gather yourself, gather the courage inside of you and reach out and say, Hey, I need help. 

Can I talk to you? Can I speak with you? There's something on my heart and I don't know what to do anymore. Can you please help me? 

That will probably give you a different perspective and it would also empower you to set your boundaries more clearly. So it's really important that you communicate your boundaries clearly and that you honor them yourself and that you make sure that your partner also honors them. And that you don't tolerate any disrespect and you really guard your boundaries. 

You have to let them know if there's certain behaviors that are unacceptable. 

And also that there's going to be consequences if they will continue. Like the example that I gave about my friends. Is that when he would continue doing this and disrespect her boundaries and keep showing up at her doorstep, she should make it very clear to him 

that is going to drive her further away and that she won't even open the door next time. 

And so it could be good that you go into a direct conversation with your partner about his, but it could also be that it's not even safe because you are scared that your partner might explode and that they're really not able to have a conversation about this. So it might be better to have gradual disengagement and to slowly reduce the contact. 

And distance yourself more and more from this relationship.  Until the point that you might even have to cut all contacts that you might say to your partner.  We are not talking anymore and I wish you all the best, but please don't text me anymore. I don't want to see you around anywhere. I'm doing my life. And you do, you.  

And if necessary, if they keep texting you, if they keep reaching out, you can also communicate that you really don't appreciate it, and that they're disrespecting your wishes and your desires, your needs, and that if needed, you will block their number.  And then you can turn your focus and your attention back onto yourself. All of that energy that was going into pleasing into adjusting into.  Trying to fit into a certain box to keep this relationship going. You can invest all of that energy into yourself again, and you can really practice self-care. 

You can really, you can work together with someone to really connect with yourself again, and to feel the power of who you are as an authentic individual again, and to realize all of the beauty that you have to offer to this world. 

And step back into your own power And generate so much self-love cultivate you self worth.  So that you can fill yourself up again and live a happy fulfilled life.  And it's not an easy process. But I really believe in you. You can do this.  And I leave it at that. I have a beautiful day.